You Look Fine, But You're Struggling Inside

"You look fine."

Sometimes those three words can be difficult to hear.

Because maybe you don't feel fine at all.

You get up. You go to work. You look after the family. You answer messages. You have a laugh with your mates. You get on with what needs doing.

From the outside, everything can look perfectly normal.

But underneath, you might be exhausted.

Your mind might never switch off. You might be worrying constantly, feeling angry over things that normally wouldn't bother you, drinking more than you'd like, withdrawing from people or simply feeling like you're going through the motions.

And because nobody can see what's happening inside, you might start wondering:

"What's wrong with me?"

The truth is, you can be functioning and still be struggling.

Sometimes keeping going becomes the problem

Many men become very good at carrying on.

When something hurts, you keep busy.

When you're stressed, you work harder.

When you're angry, you keep it to yourself.

When you're struggling emotionally, you tell yourself you'll feel better tomorrow.

And tomorrow becomes next week.

Then next month.

Eventually, keeping everything together can become exhausting.

You might not even recognise yourself anymore.

Perhaps you're more distant with your partner. You have less patience with the kids. You don't enjoy the things you used to. You're drinking to switch off at night. Or you're constantly thinking about what could go wrong.

You might still be getting everything done.

But getting through the day isn't necessarily the same as being okay.

Men don't always say "I'm struggling"

Sometimes struggling doesn't look like sadness.

It can look like:

• Anger

• Irritability

• Working constantly

• Keeping busy

• Drinking

• Withdrawing

• Sleeping badly

• Overthinking

• Losing interest in things

• Feeling emotionally numb

• Becoming distant from people you care about

• Finding it difficult to talk about how you feel

Sometimes the people closest to you notice the change before you do.

And sometimes nobody notices at all.

That's why it's important not to judge how someone is doing based only on how they appear.

Someone can be smiling and still be struggling.

You don't have to wait until everything falls apart

There can be a belief that counselling is something you turn to when you've reached breaking point.

It doesn't have to be.

You don't have to lose your job.

You don't have to lose your relationship.

You don't have to hit rock bottom.

You don't have to have a crisis.

Sometimes counselling is simply about recognising:

"I'm not feeling like myself, and I don't want to carry on like this."

That can be enough.

What if you don't know what to talk about?

That's okay too.

You don't need to arrive with a neatly organised list of problems.

You might simply say:

"I don't really know why I'm here. I just know something isn't right."

That's a perfectly good place to start.

Counselling can give you somewhere to slow things down and explore what's happening without pretending everything is okay.

You can talk about what is happening now, what has happened in the past and how it may still be affecting you.

You can make sense of thoughts, emotions and behaviours that perhaps haven't made much sense before.

And you can decide what you want to do next.

You don't have to put on a front

I'm Keith Vaughton, a counsellor at Body Mind Therapies in Rossendale, Lancashire.

I bring professional counselling training alongside extensive life experience and experience supporting people through mental health difficulties, addiction, recovery and challenging circumstances.

My approach is straightforward and person-centred.

I'm not there to tell you what you should think or how you should live your life.

You bring your experience. I'll bring the space to explore it.

Whether you're dealing with anxiety, low mood, anger, relationship difficulties, low self-esteem, bereavement, life changes or problems with alcohol or drugs, we can start with where you are.

You don't need to have all the answers.

Looking fine isn't the same as feeling fine.

Perhaps you've been holding things together for a long time.

Perhaps you're tired of pretending.

Perhaps nobody has noticed.

Or perhaps you've noticed — and you're finally ready to do something about it.

You don't have to carry everything alone.

Talk. Understand. Move forward.

Keith Vaughton | Counsellor
Body Mind Therapies | Rossendale, Lancashire

Counselling available across Rossendale, Rawtenstall, Haslingden, Bacup, Burnley, Blackburn and surrounding areas, with online counselling also available.